I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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