You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
