so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
she smelled like a LAN party
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
