Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
