We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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