I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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