Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Randomize
