He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize
