cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
not ubering you a puppy
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
