I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
