Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
