I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
