I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
