I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
