yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
