I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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