It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she smelled like a LAN party
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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