It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
