Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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