conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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