I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
