Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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