She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize