Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
