I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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