they need to just BURY HIM!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
