I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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