i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
