fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
