the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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