if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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