enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize