you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
