I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
