haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
