I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
