Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
