My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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