on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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