I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
