i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
