Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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