Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
