Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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