Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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