okay pat passed out under dana's car
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
