There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
