our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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