Tell her she can't have a vagina
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
