he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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